


My Love Lost x

by wazhappeninbigman



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Kinda, Angst, M/M, Multi, Self-Esteem Issues, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:34:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 10,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23203276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wazhappeninbigman/pseuds/wazhappeninbigman
Summary: Loving someone was never meant to be this hard and yet here you are standing on the rooftop of some building you forgot the name of with tears running down your face because you finally opened yourself up and he told you it was never gonna happen because he had someone better.Loving someone was never meant to be so easy, falling for him felt like the best thing in the world and you only fell deeper with ever glance, maybe that's why love isn't easy.
Relationships: Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30





	1. Notice

When he spoke the words danced out of his mouth and felt like they were a wave flowing into your mind and soul.

When he walked it was like his feet never touched the ground, he didn't walk he glided into your life and left a thunderstorm of feeling.

When he looked at you it was like being electrocuted, his eyes pierced your soul and examined everything that you thought you knew about yourself, he made you question wether you knew yourself or not.

When he was with the clann he gave off a wave of power that hit you in the chest like a ton of bricks and made you sit up straight and listen to everything he was saying like it was gospel, you would trust him with your life.

When he played the piano you were paralysed by the way his hands dance across the keys and the notes he played carved there own path into your brain forever leaving the memories of him and how much you care.

When he trained, you only watched and when it was your turn it was your only chance to get close to him but you were fighting so you worked out the anger of not being cared for out on the only person you feel like you love in the world. You try your best to beat him because it feels like your getting over him and at's all you need to do, but can't. 

When there was a party you try your best to dress to impress him but it never works because there's always someone else that he stares at, always someone else to get his attention better then you ever could.

When he gives you attention it's like it's just the two of you and nothing else matters no matter what's happening, the world could be ending and you wouldn't care because you would know you had his attention even just for a little while.

When you figure out that you love him you don't start doubting yourself because you know that you would love him no matter what and that is the hardest thing to come to terms with, you would throw yourself in front of any danger for him and would think twice because it's for him and nothing else compares to the way he makes you feel.

When you notice all these things about him you start to love him even more because your learning about him and that's all that you ever really wanted to do and it doesn't matter how you find out stuff about him because you have a movie in your head about how the two of you should end up together, but it never happens. But you always hope something would change and you could end up with him, you hope and dream and it never works out and it crushes you.

When you know that there's no way of anything happening you regret falling for him, regret noticing everything about him, regret letting your guard down around him so he could come and go as he wanted, like your feelings where some kind of escape from the stress.

When you try to leave he finds a way to draw you back in, not noticing what he's doing because you're infatuated with him. You try so many times to go find someone new but he's there and he's the only thing you can focus on and thoughts of someone else run away from you.

Noticing these things about him is like your tearing your soul from your body and ripping it up every time something new about him pops up. Noticing these things can be a dangerous rabbit hole because he's a bottomless pit of everything wonderful. Noticing the good things about him leave you in the bark about the bad things about him, you don't care that your blind to the way he treats your friends or the way he plays with your feelings because you love him. And all you want is for him to notice you.


	2. His Bad Side

He does have one, but your blind to it. You thought yourself not to notice, thought yourself that it didn't matter because he was so amazing. It does matter and you start trying to teach yourself how to see that.

He does treat your friends like dirt , he plays with your feelings, he messes with you but around others he's so cold.

He wants you to think that he's some type of God, but he never tries to hide the devil within. Just because you see him as an angel doesn't mean your friends like the way he treats them, they don't see all he does is lie. They know you love him by the way you stare.

He never sees the way you look at him, maybe he doesn't want too or maybe he doesn't care, you stare anyway because you do. Your friends know and tell you to move on, tell you that he doesn't look at you the same way but you thought yourself to ignore those comments because it's not what you want to hear.

He talks to his friend all the time and you hope that he talks about you the way you want him too, you hope that he even mentions your name. His friend tells you to move on because eternity isn't a long time, and spending it pinning over someone isn't how you should spend it. But you planned your eternity around him, planned everything around him loving you back and even a back up plan if he doesn't.

He talks about not spending the rest of his eternity tied to someone else, you hope that he's lying and he just wants you to call him out on it but you never look at him when he brings it up. You close yourself off and hope that the conversation changes so you can calm yourself down before you think too much.

He never really looks at you when there's strangers around, he doesn't seem to notice that you're trying to get his attention in an attempt to see how he feels, you would try anything. You try to make him jealous so that he cracks and tells you he cares but it doesn't happen and you go home early so you don't have to see him leave with someone who isn't you.

He does leave with some people and it kills you, it feels like someone ripped your heart out and presented it to him on a silver platter and he never bothered to even look at it. You hold your tongue and watch him leave with his arm around someone who could never love him like you do and always will.

His bad side isn't the worst but it kills you just a little bit every time you see him act different, you want him to get along with your friends and to wrap his arms around you not some strange that he doesn't know.

You try your hardest not to bring it up but some times it gets too much and you let it slip that it bothers you and he asks why and you can never answer him because it would be telling your biggest secret. So you try to make his bad side the only thing you notice about him so that you can move on and finally be happy and find someone who wants you for you and doesn't play with your feelings.


	3. Hating Him

You do try to hate him, you try so hard to make the bad in him the only thing you notice. At first it doesn't work because you're so in love with him and nothing else really matters, so you try to push yourself to hate him just a little bit and hope it will all fall into place. You try different things to see if something, anything, he does will make you hate him.

You watch the way he eats, listen to the way he laughs, look at the clothes he leaves on the floor. 

You watch everything he does encase something comes up, encase you notice anything but you ever really do.

You start to make yourself hate him, you try to make yourself resent him with every look and touch. When his name is spoke you act like it stings your skin, making your brain react harshly towards everything about him.

You start to look at anyone else so that you don't feel bad about about what your doing. You try to make someone other then him stand out.

You try your hardest to make everything about him seem awful like he's the worst person to be around and it pains you to be in the same room as him.

You make your friends stop talking about him, you tell them that your done being his play thing. There happy for you but seem reluctant to follow your rules about how to hate him like they understand how you want to go from love to hate.

You stop spending time with his friends and hope to god that he notices the way your acting and gets the hint and leaves you alone to forget him.

You stop listening him play piano and spending time whit him, you start to pointedly leaving a room once he enters and at parties you leave with anyone that he seems to hate, like some kind of personal revenge for him leaving with all those people.

You can't stop loving him right away but the small things like saying you don't care when some one has a story about him, small things that let you hope that your getting over him like you should be.


	4. Moving On

It's easier then you hope it is because you feel like your love for him wasn't real that you never felt anything real for him. You go out more and don't care if he notices because he doesn't care. You tell yourself that he doesn't and that he never will because you moved on and he missed his chance to have you for himself.

He seems to stop going out but you still don't care because he's not for you to love anymore and you can have anyone else. Your friends ask if he's all right and you never answer because you haven't spoken to him in months and it feels great not being numb anymore. His friends ask where you've been and you laugh it off because you don't want anyone to be reporting back to him with anything got to do with you.

You don't hate him, you don't resent him, you just feel nothing for him and that's better than being hopelessly in love with someone who doesn't care about you. It feels like you have some part of your life back and that's the best you've felt in a while. You may not be all together though, because you're still missing the part of yourself that was in love with him, still missing the part of yourself that let you adore anyone worth adoring. Even if you have someone new, your still missing the part of yourself that he reserved for himself like he could take up occupancy any time he wants.

You're reserved, you hold parts of yourself back because it's only things you've shared with him and it still feels like cheating every time you share it with anyone else. You shared things with him that would kill you if you shared with anyone else, like it's not for them and never will be, all because he told you he adored them about you.

Maybe moving on is hard but you ignore it because it's what you have to do so that someone else can come along and make you fall all over again. It wouldn't take much for you to fall back in love with him, like a trip down the rabbit hole and you would fight and fight to stop yourself from forgiving him but there's not much you can do.


	5. Friends?

"I miss you, I don't think you know that so there you go."

It wasn't much but it's more than you got on 4 months and you don't know if you want to hear him say words like that to you, don't know if you can trust him to really mean them. You don't think anything of it, you don't eve reply just say goodbye to the clann and find someone to forget him through.

His friends tell you that's the most he's spoken in weeks, the most they see him is when he's with the clann and that he doesn't want to leave the hotel. You ask why there telling you this that you don't care about him anymore and you have better things to worry about, they look disappointed and angry that you're acting like this after everything that's happened. But you hold it together because you don't care about him anymore. 

You start to actually date one of your many 'friends' and you hope with everything you have that it will last long enough to get over him properly and you won't have to worry about anything he has to say to you again. You put everything into the relationship, you put all of yourself into it so it works out. You hope more than anything that this one will be the last one before you're free from the love you fell, felt for him.


	6. Taken

You started dating and it's great, you have someone that wants you in more than one way and he's not afraid to actually be seen with you and to be seen giving you the attention you deserve. Your the happiest you've been in months and you even start to take part in the clann and you hang out with your friends more and it feels great to be wanted.

There's a party and you think it's a great time to introduce him to all your friends and all of his friends. Everything's fine when you get there you actually didn't know he was going to be there, if you did you would have stayed in.

"So Simon, who's this?"

"This is my boyfriend Sam, this is Alec, Jace, Izzy, Clary, Magnus and Raphael,"

"Nice to meet you guys, heard a lot about yous."

"So Simon how did you guys meet? I know where all dying to hear that story."

"Simon was actually trying to fight me and I kinda just told him to stop and he punched me in the face."

"Amazing, who would thought baby had it in him to actually stand up for himself"

"Rapheal I think that's more than enough"

"I'm going to get a drink."

"Well as fun as this has been even I have to get going, see you guys later."

"Bye love, I'll talk to you later tonight."

"Bye Sam, it was nice meeting you."

You're not really used to awkward silence with your friends but it's not unexpected, after months of loving someone they all knew to dating someone they only just met wasn't something that could be passed off with a drink and a laugh. You know they think it's cruel to bring Sam around when he's here but that's not your problem anymore because you don't care. 

"Do you think you're gonna talk to him tonight?"

"Magnus I'd rather not get into this right in the middle of your party so if you wanna stop that would be great."

"He asked a question there's no need to jump down his throat about it, there's no need to be an asshole."

"I'm pretty sure he was asking me the question so stay out of it Raphael."

"I'm not gonna stay out of it when you're talking to my friend like shit and you know that."

"There's a lot I know about you that I wish I didn't Raph and you know that."


	7. Leaving

When you leave the party you know it's the right thing to do so a fight doesn't start, it's good that you do.

When you think about moving out of the hotel that's good too because you need more space then you let yourself have because it's still torture to see him everyday and know that you can't let yourself love him again because it's going to kill you.

You don't really tell anyone that you're going, it's more of a spur of the moment thing and you want them to think that's all it is, you want everyone to think that it has nothing to do with anything but you know the truth and so does everyone else.

You do leave a note for him to find instead of finding you, a note that just says you need some time away and that he knows why. He has your number if he wants to use it even though he won't .

Your mother tells you that traveling will be fun and good for you but she doesn't know how good. You like how she says it, makes leaving sound more innocent then your real intentions. Makes saying goodbye a hell of a lot easier.

Your friends call you a coward and you realize you've lost them some how and you don't really want to stay to try and find them because that map and old road just leads back to him.

You don't want to know what he would say to you or what he's going to say about you once you're gone but that's not for you to worry about anymore.

Leaving was never something you thought of when it came to having feelings for him, never something you planned for when you were think about a future with him and now you have to leave to forget you have to live an eternity without him, maybe he would understand why you have to leave but then again you don't want to know how he feels about anything got to do with you because you told yourself so many times that he's not worth it and you can do so much better but maybe you don't want to.

Leaving is something you shouldn't have to do because you can't keep your feelings in check. You make yourself think that a little time away from him and anything got to do with him will be best for you so you can stop thinking about him. You think about him every time you see a coffee cup, every time you see a suit, when you see a happy couple, when you see your comics all because you couldn't tell a crush from love.


	8. Gone

You haven't been gone 3 days when you get a phone call from your friends asking why you you left without saying anything, you can't really answer so you say that you needed to clear your head for a while but you'll be back soon even though you have no idea when you can build the courage to see him again.

It's been 2 weeks and this time it's a message from his best friend asking if you have spoken to him since the party, you delete the message because you can't hear anything about him or the therapy wont work. That night you have a dream about him coming to find you and it's so real you wake up thinking the person next to you is him.

After a month you get a video call from your friends and one of his friends is there too, you don't ask why but you want to. They ask where you are and you just say somewhere sunny, they ask if you're okay but you can't answer that so you say that you're having the best time and have met some really cool people. You can tell that they want to ask more questions but they don't because they know you can't answer them.

3 months gone and it's just a text every now and then, they want you to have all the space you need but they want you home where they can keep an eye on you. Things are better then they had been in so long, you can look at yourself in the mirror again but you're still not ready to go back.

6 months wasn't what everyone thought you meant when you said you needed to clear your head but they're happy you come back better then before. When you come home he's not there and neither is his friends and that makes things lighter on your shoulders. They don't ask why you left but you know they already figured it out but you don't mind because they don't say anything.


	9. Here

It was nice to be back. It felt less like you ran and more like a holiday. Your mother looks at you like you're a different person, someone she's never seen before, someone better then the one who left. You're happy she's in love with the new you.

Your friends ask where you went, who you met along the way, where was your favorite place? You can't say Italy because they'll know it's because of him. You can't say you fell in love with Italy the way you fell in love with him. So you say the beaches were the best, he never really liked the beach anyway.

His friends ask if you followed the map that you made with him, you ask what map. Pretend like it's not in a frame hanging in your apartment with a million photos of everywhere you planned to see with him. Acting like you don't know what they're talking about is easier then saying yes because they'll know you're not over him.

His best friend ask if you fell in love. Not knowing that love was ruined for you forever, not knowing love has become something bitter and foul tasting on your tongue. You say yes, a house on the beach and he just says "oh". Love isn't something you went looking for, love was something you had and made yourself resent all because of him.

The clan ask vague questions but that's no problem, you can lie your way out of anything now. So rapped up in forgetting him you don't notice him at the door, don't notice him stare at you like he found his life again. You don't notice.

When you go back to your apartment you don't feel numb which is good, it's new and your happy. You can get used to just this, contentment. You can get used to being here again.


	10. Talks

It's just coffee. Not a big deal, you've had coffee with everyone before. It'll be good too see them all together, see how different the dynamic is since you've been gone.

"Damn it's good to be around you assholes again!"

"Maybe don't leave for that long again than and you won't miss us."

"Jace don't tell him the truth, he might run away again."

Nervous laughs meant it was still a touchy topic with everyone but you just smile, his friends are allowed be rude if they want.

"That's okay, not like I got a reason to leave now. I'm back for good, I seen what I wanted."

"Did you go to Italy?"

You knew he wanted to ask, you tell yourself you didn't want him to ask but you can't lie all the time.

"I did for a little, didn't see much of it though. The bit I did see was really beautiful."

You spent 3 months there. You fell in love with it. You still love him.

"I knew you'd like it. Where was your favorite place to go?"

"I loved the beaches everywhere I went, it was good to be free."

It's not as awkward as everyone expected it to be, not as tense, not what they wanted to be. It was like anything that happened between you two, all confident smiles but hesitant eyes. Strong voice, nervous hands, maybe they thought something big would happen.

"I'd love to go back to France, I really liked it there."

"Oh the city of love catch your eye did it?"

"The romance had me weak at the knees, what Can I say, I'm a romantic at heart."

It's not really a joke but that's they way you play it off, they laugh so it works for everyone really. Paris was beautiful but it made you want someone who you trained yourself to forget, you felt guilty thinking of him, made yourself sick wanting to see him, made yourself cry wanting to hear his voice. The city of love made you hate the word itself to the point it made you hat being in love at all. Maybe it made you hate yourself too.


	11. Bitter

It may be good to be back but that's all it is, good. You can't really do anything without someone watching your every move to see if you decide to leave again.

You're happy to see everyone again but you missed them moving on and moving up. You missed a lot and they all seem so close now, like you leaving brought them together some how. It's not just your friends but his as well. A new group of people that came together because you thought flight was better then fight.

Your mother just thinks you're a little jealous, you ask if you can tell her something important, she says yes. You never told anyone about the plan to hate him, you never told anyone how deep you had been in the first place. Talking is new but you can taste your own bitterness on your tongue and you nearly choke. She stays quiet as you push back the tears and swallow the lump of disgust for yourself down.

You can't look her in the eye because she fell in love with someone you trained yourself to be. You wanted her to see you happy and you couldn't even do that right, you thought you could be happy with him. You've never looked at your kitchen table in so much detail that you see the words play out like a drama and the tables the stage, you see your own heartbreak in front of you.

She's not mad, not even disappointed like you thought she would be. She asks if you really like Italy or was it just a way to love him without a name, you say it was both but you don't know what's true. She understands why you left, why you put a block between you and him, she understands and it feels like you've been pulled out of the water. She asks if you want to spend the night with her, you say yes because she understands.


	12. Maybe One Day

You like to tell yourself that everything will work out in the end because that's the easy way out. If you don't think about it then its not really there, there's no problem for you to try fix. If you don't think about him then you don't have to worry about being so in love with him that you don't really know what to do with yourself.

In a way you hope that maybe one day you and him could be friends again and this whole thing can be all one big joke that everyone can laugh about in years to come. Maybe one day you can look at him again without being in love with. Maybe one day you can move on truly to be happy but until then you have to look anywhere but him, look at anyone who isn't him.

Maybe one day you can hang out with your friends without them bringing up his name and saying sorry like it burned you. You hope really that you're strong enough to want to go back to the way it was before you feel in love with him. Maybe one day you will be.

Maybe when that day comes you can finally tell him why you ran away, why you moved out, why you stopped talking to him and why you acted like a rebellious teen.

You like to think that one day you'll be strong enough to do this. You know deep down that you never really will be but you've made your own funny peace with that. Focusing on something else totally might help but you cant really be sure because you've never been here before. 

You've never felt like this for anyone before and it should scare you but you're just happy that it was him and not anyone else. You never really had the chance to love openly and freely before, not really sure it you ever had the chance to love at all really. It was something new that maybe helped you fall for him before you really fell. Something magical about the idea of spending the rest of eternity loving one person was something you always wanted anyway, it sounds better then an eternity of heartbreak.

Maybe one day far down the line when you can look him in the eyes again you can understand that spending everyday for the rest of for ever with someone would drive yous apart rather than make yous closer. You would spend everyday finding things t hate about each other, or that's what you're gonna tell yourself to make being around him easier then what it is.


	13. Today

It's something regular, meeting for coffee with everyone as a weekly catch up even though you see most of them everyday. You don't really mind it because it gives you the chance to show your friends you're over him for real. If you can be around him and not have a melt down then you maybe could move on for real.

"You never told us what happened with you and Sam? Wheres he been?"

"Thought you didn't like him Izzy? He actually has family in Spain so when we went there he met up with his family and I got, I wanted to move on more so we said we'd meet up back in France before moving onward and upward."

"So didn't you guys break up or?"

"Yes Magnus we broke up before we were meant to leave Italy." 

You don't say that it was because he wanted to leave after a week but you waned to stay and he know why but didn't want to admit it himself. It was never really going to be just the two of you, there was always someone that should have been there instead but ignorance is bliss. They don't know everything about the trip, they don't know how it wasn't about them being together more so having someone there when you needed a warm body when you thought too much.

They never usually ask about what you got up to when you left, it's easier to keep topics light and anything other then the strangeness of the whole situation. Bring back means starting relationships again even though it wasn't them you left to forget.

Today, you can look at yourself in the mirror without wanting to break down because you know you're not where you want to be. 

Today, your old life is a ghost, a shadow of who you are now. Something slowly haunting you, whispering things you want to forget about him and who you were.

Today you can sit in a coffee shop with your friends and laugh with them like it used to be. You can act like everything is fine again.

The only thing is, you're not really sure what fine used to be.


	14. Protect

It was meant to be a relaxing evening with friends but when it comes to your friends nothing can stay relaxing for long. There's a fight that you should have seen coming from when you went into the coffee shop.

Their work followed them where ever they go, not caring about the company they have. There's six of you but they have sixteen. They attack not caring, your friends are all distracted with getting weapons ready and making a plan. Standing, you slid your jacket off your shoulders with a sigh and before anyone can say anything you already have two on their backs.

If you wanted to stay alive you had to know how to handle yourself, had to know how to deal with people without killing but making sure they wouldn't be chasing you. It's a gut instinct, something you chased to feel something.

The fighting was something you could always have, it didn't matter if you were in love or not because when you fight it's just about power and for a while he didn't have any power over you.

You take down two more and leave the rest for your friends to handle. Casually sitting back down as not to bring attention to what you had done, how you responded.

"When did you learn to defend yourself like that?"

"Silly boy, that wasn't Simon defending himself, that was our dear friend being alive."

"Unnecessary dramatics Magnus really. I had to learn how to fight somewhere Jace, I just so happened to be dating a werewolf who did not take it easy on training."

It's quite again. They don't fully believe you and you know that. Sam did help, he didn't go easy because you couldn't do it, he made you do it. They don't trust you anymore.

They don't know you anymore.

The tug in your stomach doesn't believe you either because somewhere in your head a warning flashed for you to protect. Not to protect you or your friends. Protect him over everything.

You laugh because your friends don't trust you and now you don't trust yourself.


	15. Sleepover

Magnus wants everyone over for a sleepover and movie night. They have you in mind but you grew out of so many things you used to enjoy. Grew out of the things that made you you. You go anyway because you love the pain of seeing him.

"Simon we thought you would have brought your guitar so you could sing for us." Magnus has a way of pulling your secrets from behind your ribs and throwing them on the table for everyone to see what he caught.

"That would be hard considering I sold my guitar, haven't sang since the last time the band played over a year ago." You bought a guitar when you were in Italy, you sang every night to the moon hoping he was listening and understanding. You broke the guitar one night after you sang your way through a river of tears till your voice stopped and your body tried to shut itself down.

"I thought you would have sang while you were away." You stay calm because you made yourself prepare for questions about everything that they might ask.

"I fell out of love with a lot of things and I threw myself into the love of new things. I left behind music because I wanted no ties to something I loved here wanting me to come home and love again. Traveling made me love loads of new things, made me learn more and I'm content where I am, music, I don't think will call to me again."

"It meant a lot to you, would you call to it?" His voice is gentle, he may understand that music isn't all you gave up on, he's smart enough to figure it out.

"I feel like I've died over and over again for music, if it breaks my heart again I'm sure it will be the end this time. I'm not sure I could handle my heart going through anything like that again. Maybe one day."

It's not a lie. For the first time since being back you haven't lied about what's going on with you. You told them something and it made you feel lighter but you don't care what you do with it, it was your gift to them and you want nothing to do with it now.

"If that day ever comes, we will be here to listen. Now let's get some alcohol and a movie started." Magnus also knew when enough has been said, knows how to distract and dazzle and for that you are externally grateful because you wouldn't survive hearing him say

"Maybe one day."


	16. Faith, Starting With Him

You can say God again, you wear your Star of David, you can pray without being burned by the words of your faith.

Sometimes it takes you back to the hotel and being able to hear him as he settled down to pray too the blessed Mary for forgiveness of sins you would kiss away from him.

Your faith had started with him. It felt right that you went on without him. Finishing your journey on your own. Religion always made you think of him, the way the cross burned his chest yet his chain hangs over the scar. How he prays because it's something he's done all his life, something so completely him.

You know that his guilt burned him more then the prayers, you know because after seeing his guilt you had to live your own. Had to come to terms with the depths of guilt you felt when you thought your God and your faith had left you like you were going to leave him.

You got a piece of you back when you started to pray again, it was like a wound left from your own fear sliced its way across your chest was suddenly being taking care off, soft hands cleaning the cut making sure to protect the area around what hurt. It was like he was taking care of you again.

When you whispered the name God at night alone thinking of all the ways you hurt him after the promises made, the name feels like his on your tongue. His name had been your prayer for so long you felt that finally saying God again felt like a sin.


	17. Sleep No More

It always felt right. Being in his room and talking, just talking, being content with where you are in life. Something that came so natural to both of you. Being in his room was something that always reminded you that you had a home with him, that there was always a home for you with him.

Sleep wasn't something that came natural to either of you. Something was always there to keep showing you that you don't deserve rest, don't deserve to seek the comforts of sleep with the things you have done and failed to do in life. You became something so unnatural, something against God why should you get to sleep?

It was always nice to have someone there that could understand and help when it all got too much, when you felt like you were ready to run from it all and hide out to the end of all natural things. You became an anchor for his sleep, something he could hold onto and submerge himself in. You don't know that because you never ask and he never said and yet you understood.

When you asked about why he prays before bed and sleep does not come, how he has the courage to pray in the morning when God has deprived him? How could he night after night give his hear to God and yet understand why he can't sleep, like it's a secret that only he and God knows about, something private, something holy.

He smiles like he always does when you ask him a question abut things he loves, smiles like everything that happened in his life makes sense to him and he doesn't have to ask God all the questions you want to. He smiles the way you want to smile when he talks about you.

Smiling he replies.

"God owes me nothing, I owe God nothing. I understand why I can't sleep, I have not made peace with it yet, God is simply giving me more time."


	18. Spoke Too Soon

Weekly coffee with everyone has become something of habit more then of routine. You don't wan't it to be routine because that means you have to admit you see him regally. Admitting to yourself that you see someone your body and soul longs for harder then you care to admit. This is not a day for admissions. Today is for longing unnoticed like you when you first fell in love.

There's something addictive to seeing him so often knowing you can't have him. You broke yourself down so many times over what you couldn't have, he broke the idea of having him long before you thought of it.

Coffee should be something easy, maybe something you could learn to enjoy with some space after a while. You like to sit back and just watch how they interact with each other, how they work with you in attendance. He's different with them around, he works differently now and you're not sure if you want to know the new him or if you're still caught up in trying to forget the version of him you fell in love with.

You're addicted to testing how much pain you can put yourself through before you need to remove yourself from everything you know again. Until you snap and do something you'll regret.

"Yo Simon baby!"

"Sam! Oh my god you're back!" You thought he was still traveling, it's good seeing him so you can distract yourself from who you really want to focus on.

"Came back early, damn baby thought you would have stayed where we left. You look fucking fantastic."

"Whoa hold up, I thought you guys broke up? You still talk?"

"People can still keep in touch Clary and yeah we did break up. Sam text me later tonight so we can catch up properly."

When Sam leaves it makes it uncomfortable at the table, they probably thought you moved on and we're going to get back to your old self, you don't want that.

"That sounds like you want to get back together with dear old Sam."

" Doesn't really matter if I do or don't. We were friends before anything happened between the two of us and we kinda still work out together." 

"Can you still be friends with some you were in a relationship with? I thought it never worked out?"

"Depends on the people I suppose, we get along no matter the type of relationship we have. I don't understand why you guys care so much and me and Sam, don't ask questions about a relationship you know nothing about."

"I wasn't trying to imply anything I was just wondering how it would work."

" And, Clary, I just said. I'm gonna head out I don't really need this from you right now."

"No need to get defensive."

"If I was getting defensive you'd know about it. I don't come here and ask you questions about your relationships with people because quiet frankly its none of my business."

"Do yo not think it's something that your friends should know? You've been different for a while know and we never asked questions because we knew you needed time but maybe we're getting tired of waiting for someone who's not willing to be here with us."

Maybe Magnus was right, maybe those words cut your skin and made you feel weak for thinking that you could just come back and not say a word about where you were. You've thought countless times that they'd be better off without you and how easy it would be to just stop showing up, stop answering calls and texts, to stop talking to them and letting them mourn some one they lost a long time ago. When you get up to leave you don't look at him because you know that given the chance you would spill all your secrets right there and not care who heard or who you hurt with the truth because they didn't care to protect you first.


	19. Them or Secrets?

Losing them was something that you thought might happen at one point. How long can they put up with your secrets? How many lies can you tell them before you don't remember whats real anymore? You never really thought it would happen though. There was always that part of you wishing for the best knowing it was unrealistic, knowing that you couldn't have your cake and eat it too.

Keeping these secrets is like breathing for you now. You know where to hid them under your tongue so no one catches the slip up in your stories. You keep them hidden behind your rib so that no one no matter how close can reach them. You hid them places no one would think of looking because no one know's you like that any more. 

You've only had to look out for you that protecting someone else is unknown. You want to open up to them you really do but how much before everything you've worked hard to build yourself into comes crashing down? You know how to protect yourself because you've done it for too long that you made yourself believe that no one else knows how to handle you with the care you do.

You can set boundaries. Tell them that you've been through things that you don't want to revisit. Somethings you're allowed keep to yourself and no one can take that away from you, if they can't respect that then show them how you've kept their secrets hidden beside your own. Show them that you know tings about them that you have respected and never repeated to anyone, show them how you were the friend that they can't be for you.

Asking them to give you a day to think about what was said is the safest thing to do, gives you time to cool off instead of going in guns blazin and saying something you'll regret. A day that's all you need.


	20. A Secret Shared

"Thanks for coming over Sam, I don't think I'd be able to talk to them without saying something stupid in front of him."

"No need to thank me, I'm the only one that knows everything about whats going on."

Asking them to your apartment to figure everything out is easy, should be easy. Sam can help. He knows more then they do, he can keep you from doing more harm then good. He knows how to make things seem easier, like the world isn't going to come crashing down at any second.

"We didn't know Sam would be here."

"Simon filled me in on what was said after I left yesterday and I thought it would be easier if I was here too."

"It's funny how Sam was the only one to know where your apartment is."

"It's not like I'm here a lot so no one needed to know."

"Except Sam"

"Yeah, except Sam."

"Before anyone jumps down his throat about the apartment I only know where it is because I had to bring him home drunk one night that's all. He didn't even want to tell me about it. Let's get this over with, so we can all go home."

"I just want to know how your relationship works, are yous friends? Friends with benefits?"


	21. Telling Myself.....

Telling them shouldn't be too hard, their meant to be your friends but what can you tell them without having to rip your heart out and throw it on the table in front of them to look at. Sometimes you find it hard to be honest with yourself and now you're trying to be honest with people you have kept the most secrets from. So much of this was new to you all over again that you know at some point you'll have to look up and see him sitting there listening to what you're trying to say without saying anything at all.

Things would have worked out so much healthier if you could own up to your own secrets but instead you hide them in all the empty spaces left from leaving him. A part of you wants to be able to look at him and say; "I've been in love with you for so long that it's the only real thing about who I'm pretending to be". You never will though because who will you be after that?

You start off slow because you're not really ready for them to know anything you don't want them too. You start slow because anything else would hurt too much. You start slow because you have to make sure you don't let anything slip that they don't need to know.

You tell you were having a hard time dealing with everything, you never had time to think anything through it was always so much so soon, there was never enough time for anything even trying to take care of yourself. There's a lot you could tell them about how you felt used most of the time because they know you can't die, how you felt like a last thought because you're not like them. There's so many things that could be said but you don't want to make it seem like you're putting this on them because really you're the only one that can be blamed.

They listen because there's not much else to do. They listen because it's not like you ever said anything to let theme know what's going on. Then you tell them about how you stated going out and then you started to look for trouble because at least that was something in your own life that you could control. Sam jumps in and says that's how you two met, got into bit of a fight but nothing too crazy. The development of your relationship leaves a strange after taste in your mouth when Sam says it out loud, because too you it always seemed so passion filled and intense, something you could never really come back from but your memory is slightly skewed anyway.

You don't tell them that there's a lot you don't really remember fully because sometimes you hit the bottle too hard just so you didn't have to feel for a little while anyway. There's always so much, always too much that could be said but at the same time there's so much that shouldn't be said because that would hurt more then just you.

You, in a round about way, tell them how you had to learn to want to be alive again. How it took some time before you had reasons to stay and not completely disappear. That their lucky that you made it back, secrets or no secrets that you're lucky to be here at all.


	22. Change

Things do change. You just let it happen because there's nothing you can really do about it anymore. They start to be around more often, call more, talk more, invite you out more and there's nothing you can say other then yes because you know that they worry.

You told them your secrets and now things have changed, there's more time together and less time for you to be alone with your own thoughts before someones getting in touch asking if every things all right. Maybe you want to scream and ask for five minutes on your own but this is what you wanted, for everything to be half way normal in same way.

Weekly coffee is still happening but it lasts longer now, as if their afraid to leave you after such a short time together. They spend more time talking about themselves to catch you up and just to fill you in so you don't feel left out or whatever they think you're feeling. Their trying and you love them for it because it's more then what you used to get. 

You start to feel more comfortable around them, things get easier. Things even get easier with him, the more you see him the easier it is to take a step back and evaluate you're feelings and let yourself feel like his friend again. 

Maybe all that time away and all the distance you put between you and him actually helped. You don't feel the same pull to him like you used too. You can look him in the eye and see your friend again. It makes you rest a little easier at night knowing that you don't have to hide feelings for him anymore. Maybe your feelings towards him were confused and all you really want it your friend back.


	23. Sober Thinking

You're in a random coffee place you never go too because you need the change, need to see different faces. Staring at your coffee cup you try and think about what your relationship with him was like before you ran away. You think it was something so much more then what it was but at the same time there was never any big moments making it something different. In the moment you made it something that you never wanted to lose but how can you lose something you never had? 

You built him up so much in your head that he seemed like this Godly being that no one would ever come close to, but seeing him again, watching him be himself like he was before makes you relies that you blinded yourself with this image of him that ran away from you.

It makes you want to laugh because you made a little crush out to be something so much bigger that you ran away from yourself and your life. Then again you could be using this as an excuse. A reaction to the thought you could have some one that loves you the way you love them. Maybe you didn't run away from him but you ran away from yourself because you knew you had the chance to be happy. A chance that could have changed your life and gave you something worthwhile.

You've always been good at ruining your own chances at something that might slightly resemble happiness. You hate being honest with yourself because what if you never really loved him the way you think you do? What if something you surrounded yourself with wasn't anything at all? 

Overthinking is something you're good at. You can spend all day asking yourself the same questions about what you felt about him but maybe if you have to ask so many times then its true and you don't want it to be. You're thinking about thinking of him. You want to be able to think as free as you want without the rush of emotion that follows it but that can't happen for you yet and that's what hurts the most.


	24. A Party

Magnus throws a party for something you didn't catch but you don't really mind because its a chance to have fun with your friends and relax. It's a chance for you too look at him without everyone knowing you're looking at him. You get to be free knowing that you wont be the only one looking at him.

You know that you're never the only one looking at him because he demands attention no matter where he is and no matter if he wants it or not. He has this air of importance around him that demands respect and you can't help but admire. He carries himself like he has everything in his life figured out, he carries himself with so much confidence that you automatically are drawn to him.

He is who you want to be looking at even when you know you wont make any sort of lasting impression on him. 

At the party you give yourself permission to look because everyone else is and you're smug in the knowledge that you know he wont leave with anyone there. You feel like you can look because you know that you don't have a chance with him and it may have taken you a while but you've made your sad peace with that fact.


	25. Some Kind of Poetry

There's some kind of sadness that comes with loving someone that makes loving them seem like the worst idea in the world but you can't stop smiling anyway. When you feel good, you feel really good but that loneliness seems to seep in from your bones. It creeps up on you, worms its way into your life without asking permission and then suddenly it's the only thing you know.

This is the kind of loneliness that holds your hand when you think of him and remember all the reasons you come up with not to love him. It's the loneliness that waits up for you on late nights out with your friends. It welcomes you back and asks how the night was but really all it wants to know is how was he and why can't you be with him right now? It makes you feel like maybe all the loving is real because you're living with this doubt about him and about yourself that has to mean something. You spend nights wondering if he's thinking of you the same way you're thinking of him but then the loneliness wraps its arms around you and tells you that if he did have these same feelings then he would be with you instead of you being alone. 

Sometimes it whispers names you thought you forgot of past lovers, of past maybes, of past somethings and you start to wounder how you broke their hearts in the hopes to forget that he has yours. There's been few that made you feel like you had a chance to get over him and start feeling something closer to contentment instead of this desperate, consisted loneliness.

Then again maybe it's easier to feel this then to be reminded by the fact that he could move on and leave you in a small piece of his past. What if there's this part of you that wants him to move on so you can have this fantasy that you'll be his one that got away? What if you want him to start trying to chase this loneliness away?What happens if he does? When the loneliness is gone and you're just left with him, will he still be all you want? Will he be enough? Maybe it's not even him anymore? What if you know that it has to be you to make the first move? That scares the hell out of you. 

There's this loneliness that comes with loving someone because you build them up so much in your mind that they become untouchable and no matter how much you or anyone else tries you can't get to them. Maybe it's time to start taking down all the things around them you built because the only thing there protecting is your loneliness.


	26. A Bit of Anger to Make it Bitter

Maybe you could try anger, you haven't tried to be angry at him for leading you on for so long. Then again it wasn't his fault that you fell in love with him in the first place, this could have been different if you really wanted it to be. Trying to be angry wont hep anyway and you know that really because the only person you have to be angry with is yourself. 

Being angry sounds like it makes sense but you can't bring yourself to gather up the strength to be angry over something that has no place in your life anymore. You tried to hate him, you tried to forget him, you ran away and when you came back you made your peace. Maybe it's time to let it lie. You've carried this weight around for so long that you're tired.

Maybe trying to be angry will be worse in the long run for everyone, including yourself. What will being angry get you? More disappointment? Maybe.

You've denounced, detested, renamed, remade the meaning of love so many times that it leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. You think you know what love is but you've never had the chance to be loved the way you love. You want to be able to say you understand what your friends mean when they talk about love but your relationship with it hasn't been as steady or as forgiving as there's has.

Maybe one day you want to be able to share love they ways been described to you but for know you have to live with knowing that your first love made you a bit cynical. Made you feel like you had everything you ever wanted but it was never going to be fully yours to keep.


	27. Ends and Starts with Him

Sometimes when you're true to yourself and open your ribs so you can see your secrets behind your ribs you get lonely. That's not something people tell you, people tell you that you're set free when you be yourself. But you're lonely. Maybe that's okay. You don't like it anyway. It's new and in some ways it hurts because this isn't what you wanted. This isn't where you thought your life would be at this age.

Sometimes when you see yourself in the mirror you want to cry, who is that? Why doesn't it feel free? Why can't it be better? Why can't you be better? But who do you want to be better for? Everyone else or yourself?

Ha, maybe you aren't being so honest with yourself in the first place. No matter how many times you say it changing who you are makes you lonely. It feels like your world is crumbling because you see everyone in a new light. You start to see thins differently and maybe you don't fit into there lives like you used too. Is there space for you now? Do you want there to be a place for you here, the very place you ran away from because you felt like you had no one to turn too?

It's only fair that if you're being honest with yourself then you should dish out the truth to everyone else too. They weren't the friends you needed, they weren't the friends that they said they were. There's only so long you can o on being second best before you need to put yourself first.

Thinking about it getting everything off your chest to him might be the easiest way to start being yourself again. Loving him is the only thing that you kept from your old life. Loving him didn't save you, loving him broke you because he showed you that he didn't want you. Loving him made you put your whole life on hold just to forget him but you couldn't. Love seemed to start and end with him. 

You started loving him and that ended so many things in your life, for better or worse, loving him made you feel claustrophobic. That's what needed to end, not love.


	28. Talking to Him

"I have something to say to you and I think it's better for both of us if we get this over us now. We have to be around each other and honestly, I miss what we had, we were a great team and I think we could get back to that.

I loved you. I really did, I think I loved you so much that I forgot myself a little. I adored you in every way. You made it clear that this, us was never going to be an option and I respected that, that's why I had too leave. I don't think I could have heard you say it though, that might have killed me. I put you on a little pedestal and made you something you couldn't have been for me. I know that now.

No matter what I want you to know that there's no blame here. I done what I felt was best for me and maybe done somethings that weren't too good for me but that's what I needed. I'm still trying to figure out my life, where I fit, how I fit and if I even want to fit here anymore. You are still my family, I carried a piece of you with me everywhere I went. 

I need to say all this now because if I don't it might never happen. Maybe I should have told you sooner how I felt but being honest now I don't think any good would have come from it at all, no matter how much we tried. I loved you and G-d it made me angry. I tried to hate you for making me fall in love with you. You made me want things that I never wanted before. I needed to hate you to move on, to get away from you so I wouldn't come crawling back to you. In a way I always come back to you and maybe that's whats killing me now. You made me feel safe even when I wasn't safe from myself.

I'm not making excuses because I don't need too. I left and it was amazing, it made me so much better and coming home to see everyone so different, it hurt but I knew you'd be the same person I fell in love with Raphael. Maybe that's why I loved you, because no matter what you're just so you. So unforgivably you and you're beautiful. 

I needed to tell you I loved you and that I want to get back to they way things were before I fell head over heels for you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if I should swap POV for the next chapter or leave it and start a new story of them trying to be friends. Please let me know what you think would work better.  
> As you were,  
> x


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